Lessons Learned, Wedding Planning Tips, and Harsh Realities Part 1

First, thank you so much for taking the time to read my first blog series. This will be my last post broken into 2 parts in my “Married by Thirty” series. Our anniversary is next week and I’m looking forward to our much-needed vacation. Its more stories to write about but I narrowed it down as much as possible. If you want more details on the wedding planning process or anything I’ve written so far feel free to contact me.

We’re almost at a year! It went by so fast; it seems like yesterday that we said, “I do.” With a year under our belt full of laughs, enjoyment, fun, tears, praying, disagreements, and love. We are here, with many more years to go. The word that came to mind for this year was pivot. From career moves, graduate school, moving homes unexpectedly, parenting through puberty (whew, pray for us), and adjusting to sharing space. Things are always going to come up, when it does roll your sleeves up, create a plan together and execute.

We’re learning more every day and are not relationship experts nor are we perfect but, Zo (my hubby) and I came up with 10 lessons from our first year of marriage:

 1. God Did: Keep God in the midst of it and he will bless you beyond what you can comprehend. Marriage is a blessing, and we know of some people whose spouse’s passed away or got a divorce for various reasons. Either way we don’t believe anyone approached marriage assuming it wouldn’t last, but it does happen. So, to continue to learn about one another we do a couple’s devotional. The one we received from our registry is “#staymarried A Couple’s Devotional, 30 minutes Weekly Devotions to Grow in Faith and Joy from I Do to Ever After” by Michelle Peterson. We started the devotional in January and do it 1-2 times a week. Each week there is a passage with scriptures to read, then a set of questions to create dialogue, and a closing prayer. This allows us to reflect and strengthen our relationship with thought provoking discussion topics.

2. Effective Communication: It’s about being intentional and your willingness to comprehend what the other person is saying. Be honest, be respectful, listen, clarify to understand, receive what the person is articulating, be open, and pause if needed then respond. This is what we do, and it works for us. Throughout this year of sharing space, we had to learn how to best communicate with one another. What you say and how you say it will affect your spouse, your spouse is not the world. Meaning to be mindful when speaking to one another. I’m not always right and neither is he. Own the mistakes and always apologize, never let the sun go down upset with one another. Your spouse is not out to get you, be each other’s safe place to land. It took some time for me, but I’ve learned to be more vulnerable, and he is reassuring me that I’m not carrying any load alone. We talk openly and provide space to process things, we HEAR and SEE each other even when we’re silent. You’re in this for a lifetime and your spouse will not be the same person they were a year in and so forth. Never stop getting to know one another.

3. Love Language: My top love languages are Acts of Service and Quality Time; Zo’s is Physical Touch and Quality Time. He’ll argue this with me but I’m not a “touchy feely” person or publicly affectionate. I’ll hug a person as a greeting but that’s as far as it goes. But despite my lack thereof, I know it’s important to show my affection to him by simply holding his hand, giving him a peck on the lips, and rubbing his head at home and while outside. On the other hand, he does little things for me such as folding the clothes and putting them up (a chore that I hate) or simply running a few errands so that I don’t have to. We love our quality time. For us, that can be binge watching a series, playing UNO, or one of our favorites, taking long walks to just talk and enjoy the scenery around us. Pretty much anything that gets us to connect undistracted.

4.  Marriage Boundaries: One of the things discussed in premarital counseling and the number 1 advice our married friends gave us was “keep people out ya business.”  A lot of times people are bold to ask and assume the darndest things. Things we would never feel comfortable enough to ask other people. Boundaries vary by the couple, but certain things are not up for public discussion whether it is with family, friends, or social media. People would never know if we’re at odds because we choose to keep it in house and to not discuss things, we consider personal matters such as our finances, how we run our household, our sex life, career moves, disagreements we have etc. Sometimes if you share too (be careful who you vent to) much you indirectly involve individuals in your marital business. Understand that boundaries are a line not a wall, you see what we allow you to see and know what we want you to know 😊 Moral of the story, stay out them people’s business!

5. It takes a village:  Adults need villages to encourage and support. We believe it’s important to surround ourselves with other likeminded married couples on this journey. To us, the only people that can relate and advise this journey are those that are married or have been married before. Unless you lived in it, walked in it, talked in it and yes even with a biblical understanding (if this is your faith) if you don’t have experience in this arena, it is a completely different mindset. A natural shift happens when you become one, it is spiritual and we’re still finding the words to describe it. But it is life changing and we are becoming more of who we are meant to be individually and as one all to serve a higher purpose. Now, should we need counsel outside of one another we have trusted individuals to consult and receive advice from because they are on the same journey, just further down the road and with more wisdom. With that said, every couple/ person we come across may not be our vibe. That’s where discernment comes into play. Always consider your source and be decisive on who you take advice from. We’re lucky to have a village of trusted couples to converse with should we need advice.

6. Make each other’s coffee first: I’m a huge J. Cole fan and I love his song “Foldin Clothes” it’s the ultimate acts of service/quality time song! Marriage is all about being of service to one another, it is not a selfish program. I’m always going to reference feeling safe, but that is the space we provided from one another, because of that I’m flourishing in my femininity and him in his masculinity, it feels so natural. I’m one to make my husband’s plate and he’s one to wash the dishes after I, or we cook 🙂 My hubby loves coffee and before I make my cup, I always make his first, just the way he likes it. It is not forced, I do it because I want to, not because I must.

7. Patience and Compromise: I’ll admit it I’m patient…until I’m not lol Hubby on the other hand is way more zen than me. We’re new to this marriage thing and becoming true to it every day. So, giving grace and being patient with one another is essential. We don’t know what we don’t know so taking the time to listen for understanding and teach one another with grace can lead to solutions. We are playing on the same team with the same goal in mind. Our communication led us to reach compromises easily. It’s not just about me and my wants/needs or his. It’s our needs, the greater good. So whatever challenge comes we always make the best decisions together.

8. Make Time: Date night is necessary and should be a priority. This first year we’ve lacked on this tremendously. We weren’t conscious of planning dates outside of the house to experience different activities together. As much as we enjoy traveling, concerts, nice restaurants, going to the movies and more, we love being at home. You can have a date night at home but stepping out for a new experience to break up the monotony can help create memories and allow you to explore new and fun things. This year has consisted of a few changes, and it has distracted us from making time for those special date nights. Life happens all day every day and it’s easy to get away from doing things together, but you must keep the excitement there.

9. Intimacy is a must: Doesn’t necessarily mean getting it in but it can lead into it which is a plus. This flows into number 3 and 8. We have a son and love spending time with him. However, we must take care of each other to be good parents. If we’re good, then our son is good. We’ll be able to pour more into him. Plan that sexy date night, turn the phone off, plan a quick weekend getaway to connect without distraction and make love…lots of it.

10. Find a reason to laugh: We are goofballs and will laugh at everything. We crack jokes on one another, people watch (don’t judge you do it too), small pranks all of that for the joy of it. Life is serious enough but not to the point where we forget to smile and laugh. We didn’t just get married because we love each other, we got married because we LIKE each other. We are one another’s best friends. We get on each other’s nerves and get annoyed which is natural because as much as we have in common, we still have differences. But there is no one walking this Earth that knows him on the level I know him on and vice versa. I’m his girl and he’s, my guy!

Wedding Planning Tips:

The wedding planning was the first “major” project we worked on together. With the number of details, care, consideration, and money that goes into it, it can make or break a couple. Through the highs and lows the process brought us closer and reflected on our marriage in a way. Not one marriage is the same, or how someone chooses to go about getting married. One thing that stays true is stick to your vision and the goal in mind.

1. Create a budget: If you’re in a financial position to have a wedding discuss with your fiancé and determine the type of wedding you want to have. Where you want to have it, the time of year/date, how much you’re willing to spend, who will be involved, who you’ll invite, what you’ll wear, the vendors, and any other additions you want to have, and your WHY. Never forget WHY you want to get married and WHY you want a wedding. Guests count will play a huge part and a determining factor in what you spend. We have a huge family that we love but we knew the capacity we were able to accommodate. All of this comes with a cost, figuratively and literally so really determine what is most important and stick to your vision.

2. Vet your vendors: Do your research! Make a list of 3-5 vendors you’re interested in per service you need, and schedule phone calls, and walk throughs to determine which fits the vision best for your day. Ask detailed questions about what you’re looking for and ask for examples of their work.

3. Day of Coordinators: These will be your life savers. For our wedding we had two coordinators which was the best decision ever. We wanted to easily divide the logistical tasks. The day of your wedding you shouldn’t worry about anything, they are there to make sure the plan is executed and seamless

4. Create a Run of Show: AKA a full timeline for the rehearsal and day of. Distribute it to your coordinator, vendors, and wedding party members so everyone is aware of the day of plan. A week prior to the wedding we reviewed everything with our vendors, wedding party, and coordinators to clarify and refine.

5. Music, Make up and Mimosas: Set the vibe for the getting ready process! We reserved hotel suites near our ceremony/reception location so the wedding party could have a place to meet. I made a playlist (which was a hit!) with songs I love that were upbeat, feel-good songs for us to dance to and snap videos while we got ready. We ordered a big breakfast and made mimosas; it was a vibe!