As joyous of an occasion a wedding is, it has a side that I see more brides speaking on. When I started working on this portion of the post, I made a list until I realized it was redundant. So, I’m going to sum it up. I always looked forward to this time and process to plan my wedding. Every decision made was done together for our day. Planning the wedding itself was easy. We enjoyed talking to the vendors, creating the timelines, picking the theme, all of that. Everything outside of the planning is what made the process difficult. The unsolicited opinions, the unrealistic expectations projected onto us, and how self-centered, entitled, and audacious people can become. All of this during the most important time in our life made us completely understand why some couples cancel their wedding or decide not to have one at all to avoid the stress and pressure placed on them. Due to this we became mentally and emotionally drained by worrying about people’s perception of what we decided was best for us in every aspect. However, we got over that quickly.  Most will never understand until they plan their own wedding. Would we do it again? Yes, we would because our wedding was beautiful and resulted in everything we desired because we stuck to our vision. However, we’ll have some minor adjustments.

Now to keep it all the way real… here are a few harsh realities of getting married/having a wedding:

• Not everyone is genuinely happy for you:  This is unfortunate, but it is the truth. Most of the time people are thinking of what they’ll no longer have access to or what they think they’re missing out on. This can result in a lack of support, not saying or doing anything, or simply bringing unnecessary chaos in large and subtle ways. This has more to do with the unhappiness within the person than the couple themselves.
• Trust people to be exactly who they are: Just because you’re getting married doesn’t mean people will miraculously change or support at the capacity you need. For example, if you know this person is late for everything or is a habitual line stepper (in my Charlie Murphy voice) don’t think just because you’re getting married that this will change. People will be people; it is what it is.
• You cannot please everyone: it is inevitable. Some may not be happy with the decisions you made for your big day because it doesn’t directly benefit them. Whether it’s the day you chose, who you invited, your colors, and the meal selection. People can have the “best” intentions but that goes out the window if the couple is ultimately being disrespected especially if the intentions have an underlining self-serving agenda. Everything we decided was deliberate, and the things we couldn’t do we had serious reasons why, in which most were beyond our control.

When it is all said and done, we didn’t want to walk away from our day with regrets. After all of the hard work of putting our heart and soul into this, we didn’t want to go to our hotel suite at the end of the night and say, “what we should have done” or “I wish we did this or that.” We wanted our loved ones to have a wonderful time and easy transitions from the ceremony to the reception, feel inspired, eat good food, dance, and enjoy an elegant ambiance. But the day itself was about US and our desires. We were as reasonable and accommodating as we could be without deterring us from the type of day and process, we wanted. All we, and I’m sure most couples want for their big day, is simple: respect and support. If you’re unable to provide that, it is okay but do not bring additional stress and negativity to the couple simply do not attend.

We talked for hours, and all I could think was how good it felt conversing with him. From that night, we spoke every day. I appreciated how direct, persistent, and earnest he was in his pursuit. Every conversation was intentional. We spoke about our personal and professional goals, morals, values, childhood, friendships, family, marriage, finances, and our spirituality. As much as I tried to keep my guard up, he saw right through it. He felt like a safe space to land, for the first time with anyone it clicked “we’re compatible.” This is more than good conversations; I knew within 4 days that I was in love. I tried to suppress my feelings and I refused to say it to him. I tried to rationalize it because how? How can I love someone after a few days? This cannot be real! However, I knew this was real when he said to me, the very thing I prayed for in my husband. When he said those words (I’ll soon reveal that) it was like God whispered in my ear “I told you, this is him.” Two weeks later Saturday, February 29, 2020, on Leap Day we had our first date. Yes, I stalled him out and made him wait two weeks! Our first date was a full day. We ate breakfast, went to the art museum, a lecture, lunch, and coffee. I had the best time, I felt like a woman and safe. The first date was confirmation that everything I felt was real and that this man was my husband. A few days later, without thinking, he professed his love to me (let the record show, he said it first lol) and I did the same.

So…. my husband isn’t a stranger. In fact, we’ve known OF one another for over a decade. Meaning we saw each other occasionally over the years and had the best conversations. I thought he was cute, but I never viewed him as someone to potentially date. Nor did we exchange numbers until Valentine’s Day in 2020. However, unbeknownst to me he always had an interest in me. Our love story is a dream, divinely written and blessed. One that flows together effortlessly, so organic, easy, and peaceful. I always thought the saying “when you know you know” was cliché until meeting my love. Don’t worry we’ll dive into those details in a much later post 🙂

Two dates later and in full bliss of our new relationship, COVID hits. We’re both instructed to work from home and everything we thought of doing to experience together was closed. No first baecation, concert, comedy show, movies, or other things we enjoy. Little did we know this would be a blessing in disguise. All outside entertainment was taken away which made us get into our creative bag for some “quarantine courtship.” We cooked together with new recipes, themed movie nights, game nights, long walks in the park, even ballroom dancing via YouTube. We formed what we called “our love cocoon” and in it we grew closer and blossomed. Truthfully, it brought out the best in us despite the world falling apart. This further confirmed that we genuinely LIKE each other and enjoy one another’s company with no distractions so when we were able to enjoy outside festivities, we would be good. One year and two months later on Sunday, May 23^rd, 2021, with a small group of family, he proposed to me, and I said yes tears and all. No fancy hairstyle, nails not done, no cute outfit and I felt so soft, vulnerable, and beautiful. Before the proposal, we knew we wanted to have a wedding down to where the ceremony would be, the reception, the style, and honeymoon location and that attending premarital counseling was necessary. The excitement of the engagement was a huge rush, luckily, we planned a quick weekend rendezvous in Chicago to relax and gear up for the journey ahead. About 2 weeks later we solidified our ceremony and reception location, Friday, August 12^th, 2022, will be our wedding day.

Premarital Counseling

We’re blessed to have numerous friends that are married and receive advice from. All recommended we attend premarital counseling to further discuss the kind of marriage we desire, conflict resolution skills, expectation, and overall communication. We utilized services from our officiant. Everything we discussed during our sessions came up through our wedding planning process and after “I do.” We made planning for our marriage a priority. As much as we desired an unforgettable wedding, that was only for one day. Our marriage is a lifetime so it’s important to take heed and be purposeful about building the foundation. Prior to our first session I never attended any type of counseling, I was nervous because I didn’t know what to expect. Our officiant is a prominent figure in the faith community, and I knew if we didn’t take this seriously then he wouldn’t be a part of our big day, which we understood and respected. So, like everything else we went open-minded, honest, authentic, and with faith. During our first conversation he set a precedence that he doesn’t take marriage lightly in his role, his faith, and as a widower. To start, he asked “why do you want to marry him/her?” I could barely get my words out. I cried and in short gave my testimony, professed my love for my fiancé and my gratefulness of God choosing us together to take this step to cleave to one another and honor him. He then told us two simple yet intense things:

• Understand what you are getting yourself into
  • Marriage is a lifetime commitment to each other and to God. A covenant not a contract.
  • Dig deeper on the purpose of marriage
• Solidify the relationship now
  • In other words, now that we’re at this step to not wait to start thinking, moving, and behaving as one.

After the first session, he knew we were ready. He provided scriptures to study and homework. One of the first few assignments given was to write down how we complement one another, and specifically our goals for the next 10 years, and what it means to protect and preserve our marriage. We met consistently leading up to our wedding. Some of the sessions caused a few intense conversations which led us to bumping heads yet reaching a compromise and a new level of understanding. Almost a year later, and we agree that premarital counseling was the best decision we could have ever made for the health of our marriage. The conversations forced us to think beyond our first year and the “what if’s” that can happen and the phenomenal blessings that can happen because of our union.